Liberating To Be Lost.

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I often wonder when in bed
If one day I were to drop dead
Would anyone with whom i’d tried
To be a friend, stood by their side
Would they even care at all
Know how many tears that did fall
Upon my pillow when I, in vain
Tried to say yet again that it’s too much..
I’m trapped
I’m broken
I’m scared
That all this pain is killing me
And I don’t know how much more I can take.

I often wonder late at night,
When wishing that you would hold me tight… again
If with you perhaps I’d tried
To argue less and be less snide
Would you still care at all, if not then maybe could I fall
In love, with you
Less every day, not more

I hug my pillow and tears they flow Drown me deep in my sorrow, again…
Because I miss you and love you More each day
It’s not fair that things end up this way
they aren’t done, surely?

Every day, the small things that you do
- or dont -
Break my heart
More than the last..
As much as the first, when you left..
It never gets old,
but pain makes me cold,
Defrosted confused has been ice queen
Because I meant it,
I love you,
Can’t change it,
Just hold it,
Inside me
To rot…
It won’t turn off.. not like yours did.
You kill me first thing in the morning, and last thing at night
When I eat, you kill me and in my dreams I escape,
Before I wake up
And you kill me again

I love you more than I ever thought it humanely possible let alone conceivable in myself. No-one does, can or ever will love you like I do at this very moment, please stop hurting me. I’m vulnerable against my will and I did everything I possibly could to avoid landing myself in this position yet here I am. Take responsibility for what you have done to me or pray with me that one day soon it will be undone and I will be free to live happily without you once more. I’ve forgotten what that even feels like. If I can’t have you then let me not want you. If this is love then make it stop. if it’s meant to be then make it happen before the waiting game gets the better of me. If I must continue to wait then at least let me sleep and escape and dream peacefully of what once was, when I took it for granted.
I thank god for how far I’ve come; though I’m not where I need to be I’m grateful I’m not where I used to be. There is no doubt I wish I didn’t have what seems so goddamn far to go in whatever direction is the one which is right.
Time heals all wounds, but they must first get worse before they get better I suppose. Not sure I have room for any more scars.

I’m getting swallowed up by this again.. What if I want out and I can’t? What if I want out and nothing works? What if I want out and I can’t escape it? What if I’m in to deep? What if I don’t want out in time.

No-one is ever there

No-one is ever there.. There has not been one person I have met in my entire life so far who has said ‘I’ll always be there if you need me’ that ever is.. Whether its friendship, family or a relationship, everyone spouts crap like that, they all get pissed with my negative outlook on statements like that but none of them have ever proved me wrong.. everyone leaves, everyone lets you down, everyone says they are different in some way to the last person that said they would always be there and they were different when they come into my life and then they all go again a while later and let me down. It’s always just as you start to believe they might be right too.. That maybe just maybe they are actually different.. That they won’t just let you down, but I’m never proven to be wrong. And all I really want is for someone to prove me wrong. Just once. Restore a little faith instead of making what I have left in people less and less. People beg for you to trust in them and as soon as you begin to they always, always, always break that trust. And that’s even worse because not only are you hurt and sad and lonely again but you feel like a fucking idiot for ever doubting what you knew best which is everybody is the same, everybody leaves. Everything always results in someone leaving. I’m sick of change and loosing people from my life I connect with because there are so few as it is.. I’m disillusioned with my life and everyone in it and it fucking sucks. I liked it better when I was naive. I have so many lessons in life left to learn and I’m already exhausted with being let down so many times. I don’t need anymore lessons that include people letting me down I just need someone to prove me wrong just once inbetween all the crap. Just this one time let them prove me wrong. It never goes like it does in the films, they are full of lies and give people unrealistic expectations of how situations should turn out but in reality things never go down like that. I’m desperate to go to sleep but don’t even want to at all because every time I wake up it’s like one big slap in the face again. I know life has it’s ups and downs and all the ‘important’ people I have lost will become insignificant but it doesn’t make it hurt any less right now, and neither does knowing that eventually suffering and pain will cease because it just reminds me what a long way I have to go before it does.. I know I’ll be okay but I just can’t deal with the time it will take to get there.. Again. To get to that place where everything’s okay just to loose it again. I have such an unhealthy, unfair, selfish, ungrateful outlook on life. I feel like a bad person for even allowing myself to get so down when everything could be so much worse.. I give myself a hard time about having a hard time.. I need a break from it all so bad sleeping isn’t enough I need to be like out of action for a year or two.. Here we go again. I find no comfort looking to the future because the prospect of new people coming into my life to replace the old ones just means a whole bunch of new people to eventually get replaced again..

It’s not even that bad compared to what goes on in the world

I feel bad even complaining because I’m still lucky, it’s not rock bottom I’m not dying, I have all my family etc etc. In perspective it’s nothing but

My dad has cheated on my mum, after 24 years together. Everyone I my house fights all the time, there is never a moment of peace and there is quite a few of us l, six including my parents, sisters and me. so stuff goes unnoticed alot of the time you know, like there isn’t enough attention to go around? Especially for the oldest, I deal by myself and my parents are fine with that because it makes things easier when they have 4 kids. But they dump stuff on me, about their marriage and too much detail about what’s happened that my sisters would never hear, particularly my mum, because she has no-one to talk to. I lost my best friend of 11 years, we’ve been together forever like through everything you could possibly imagine, and I’d stick by her and try and do anything I could, listen to everything, any problem, any time, stick by her when no-one else did and suddenly I realised how one sided our friendship was, and I realised that she had become someone I really didn’t like anymore, someone who was making me really unhappy. So I cut off the friendship, but I still miss her? Understandable, but I couldn’t be friends with her again, I couldn’t cope with how things got, too ugly, too much said and done. I’ve struggled for almost 4 years with severe depression, but I hate medicine, and doctors, and talking about it, and revealing anything. I bottle stuff? It’s better because I like to deal with things by myself, I don’t really see how something in my mind can dictate how I feel, it’s my mind? Surely I’m in charge? I don’t like to talk about stuff to anyone, and I don’t like to be seen crying which I always seem to end up doing when I confront all this. so I refuse to talk about it, let alone to someone I don’t know who will then tell me it all means I’m ill? And I don’t want to take something that will fuck with how I feel because it’ll be fake, I want to be happy by myself. Then I lost someone else incredibly important to me. It makes things 10 times worse when I loose someone because there are so few people I can tolerate let alone connect with. The worse part about loosing someone in this way is they always change, you think you know someone, and then when you break up they start acting like some brand new person and everything you thought you knew about them is suddenly way off the mark, because once they stop caring about you the way they treat you completely changes, and that’s the worse part, you haven’t only lost them physically but whatever that was that’s gone takes the person you knew with them forever, so it’s almost like loosing them twice. The decline is so painful because it starts when you are still together and something happens that makes everything feel so different and you just sit back and watch things decline until you end up here, alone like you knew you would end up. It’s not even a clean break. It’s some weird fucked ‘not sure if I’m coming or going’ shit that means not only do you loose them but they way they act and the way things go down between you and the pain they put you through slowly demolishes all memory you had of them. The only person who I had in my life who truely understood why I am like I am and still loved me, and tried hard for me is gone because I just pushed them too far and I know it was my fault. It almost makes me wish I has dealt with all this stupid crap because it’s now managed to ruin one thing that helps me deal with it and it could of been avoided if I wasn’t so stubborn and adamant I can deal with it on my own. And although that person helped me now they have gone it’s worse than ever and sounds cliche but I literally am falling apart. I am relying on us being okay to make me feel better but that isn’t healthy and I know it because the combination of dependance on them but hating the fact that made me vulnerable thus hiding it and pushing them away has ended in me being here. So now what? I don’t even know why I’m back on here let alone writing this but it’s not like I can say any of it out loud anyway so I guess it’s a kind of record, plus an outlet because my mind is far too overcrowded at the moment.

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